partnership

i wish i could write about a. i could tell you all the mind boggling, beautiful growth unfolding in front of me. i wish my mind would let me breathe it in the way i should be. but i just can't focus on my baby. i wish i could just fall into her and forget everything that is beyond her big blue eyes and all the love and admiration they contain. but its not just about a & i. it's about us three. our family. and our family is crumbling. it feels like i'm watching my home burn to the ground and i can't do anything but watch the flames grow higher and higher.

i've read my birth story a million times over. i cry every time. sometimes i cry because i get so caught up in the happiness i felt that day. sometimes i cry because it didn't go the way i'd hoped. sometimes i cry because i can't believe it was just 10 months ago (not even) that i held her in my barely operable arms for the first time, sobbing, feeling more love than i knew was humanly possible. but most of the time, i cry out of sadness without any association to a. it's the c in the equation that makes me cry.

i don't know what happened to that man. the endlessly supportive, loving man who eased every worry, every pain, every inkling of nervousness i had that day. i know that in those moments, he knew how much i needed him. he knew what i was going through would be one of the most stressful, trying things i'd done in my life. and he was there for every bit of it in the best way he could've been. but where is he now? what i'm going through now is so much worse and i need someone to hold my hand, and whisper in my ear to remind me that something better is ahead. i need something. anything... because i'm drowning and i feel like i'm taking the whole damn ship with me.

i hate who i have become. i hate that i am not who i want to be or who he wants me to be. i hate that i don't even think i'll EVER be the woman or mother i should be, or the partner he deserves. i feel like i've failed him, i've failed a, i've failed myself. i don't know that he will ever love me like he used to and that is what kills me the most. because i can't do this without him but i can't do it with him if i feel like he doesn't love me. i am so lost. and so scared. and all i want is for a to have a loving set of parents and for all of us to be happy. i would sacrifice just about anything for their happiness, but instead i feel like i'm just ruining it.