it's been a long long time. in fact, i can't really recall where i put the pen down, so to speak. i only remember it was some dark corner where all my sadness and anxiety usually sits. i went back [to therapy], and i asked until i found a way to be heard. and now i get heard at least once a week (insert cheesy smile.)
without getting ahead of myself, the tide is changing. there is laughter in our home. pure joy. i honestly can't remember feeling brimming elation, at least the kind that isn't tainted with worry, guilt, suspicion, annoyance, or sadness. i am not better, but i have hope. and i feel this love for my beautifully flawed family more than i've ever been able to feel. there's been a barrier of illness standing between me and my babe for the entirety of her life, and between c and i for a long, long time. i feel like i'm being seen for the first time... finally comfortable and accepting of the vulnerability. because i know that, with time, i will feel strong, in spite of all my flaws and imperfections. i can't ever be a perfect mother, or a perfect partner, but someday i will be the best ME there is, and i know that will be enough for all of us.
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