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Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, August 21, 2010
forward motion
it's been a long long time. in fact, i can't really recall where i put the pen down, so to speak. i only remember it was some dark corner where all my sadness and anxiety usually sits. i went back [to therapy], and i asked until i found a way to be heard. and now i get heard at least once a week (insert cheesy smile.)
without getting ahead of myself, the tide is changing. there is laughter in our home. pure joy. i honestly can't remember feeling brimming elation, at least the kind that isn't tainted with worry, guilt, suspicion, annoyance, or sadness. i am not better, but i have hope. and i feel this love for my beautifully flawed family more than i've ever been able to feel. there's been a barrier of illness standing between me and my babe for the entirety of her life, and between c and i for a long, long time. i feel like i'm being seen for the first time... finally comfortable and accepting of the vulnerability. because i know that, with time, i will feel strong, in spite of all my flaws and imperfections. i can't ever be a perfect mother, or a perfect partner, but someday i will be the best ME there is, and i know that will be enough for all of us.
without getting ahead of myself, the tide is changing. there is laughter in our home. pure joy. i honestly can't remember feeling brimming elation, at least the kind that isn't tainted with worry, guilt, suspicion, annoyance, or sadness. i am not better, but i have hope. and i feel this love for my beautifully flawed family more than i've ever been able to feel. there's been a barrier of illness standing between me and my babe for the entirety of her life, and between c and i for a long, long time. i feel like i'm being seen for the first time... finally comfortable and accepting of the vulnerability. because i know that, with time, i will feel strong, in spite of all my flaws and imperfections. i can't ever be a perfect mother, or a perfect partner, but someday i will be the best ME there is, and i know that will be enough for all of us.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
partnership
i wish i could write about a. i could tell you all the mind boggling, beautiful growth unfolding in front of me. i wish my mind would let me breathe it in the way i should be. but i just can't focus on my baby. i wish i could just fall into her and forget everything that is beyond her big blue eyes and all the love and admiration they contain. but its not just about a & i. it's about us three. our family. and our family is crumbling. it feels like i'm watching my home burn to the ground and i can't do anything but watch the flames grow higher and higher.
i've read my birth story a million times over. i cry every time. sometimes i cry because i get so caught up in the happiness i felt that day. sometimes i cry because it didn't go the way i'd hoped. sometimes i cry because i can't believe it was just 10 months ago (not even) that i held her in my barely operable arms for the first time, sobbing, feeling more love than i knew was humanly possible. but most of the time, i cry out of sadness without any association to a. it's the c in the equation that makes me cry.
i don't know what happened to that man. the endlessly supportive, loving man who eased every worry, every pain, every inkling of nervousness i had that day. i know that in those moments, he knew how much i needed him. he knew what i was going through would be one of the most stressful, trying things i'd done in my life. and he was there for every bit of it in the best way he could've been. but where is he now? what i'm going through now is so much worse and i need someone to hold my hand, and whisper in my ear to remind me that something better is ahead. i need something. anything... because i'm drowning and i feel like i'm taking the whole damn ship with me.
i hate who i have become. i hate that i am not who i want to be or who he wants me to be. i hate that i don't even think i'll EVER be the woman or mother i should be, or the partner he deserves. i feel like i've failed him, i've failed a, i've failed myself. i don't know that he will ever love me like he used to and that is what kills me the most. because i can't do this without him but i can't do it with him if i feel like he doesn't love me. i am so lost. and so scared. and all i want is for a to have a loving set of parents and for all of us to be happy. i would sacrifice just about anything for their happiness, but instead i feel like i'm just ruining it.
i've read my birth story a million times over. i cry every time. sometimes i cry because i get so caught up in the happiness i felt that day. sometimes i cry because it didn't go the way i'd hoped. sometimes i cry because i can't believe it was just 10 months ago (not even) that i held her in my barely operable arms for the first time, sobbing, feeling more love than i knew was humanly possible. but most of the time, i cry out of sadness without any association to a. it's the c in the equation that makes me cry.
i don't know what happened to that man. the endlessly supportive, loving man who eased every worry, every pain, every inkling of nervousness i had that day. i know that in those moments, he knew how much i needed him. he knew what i was going through would be one of the most stressful, trying things i'd done in my life. and he was there for every bit of it in the best way he could've been. but where is he now? what i'm going through now is so much worse and i need someone to hold my hand, and whisper in my ear to remind me that something better is ahead. i need something. anything... because i'm drowning and i feel like i'm taking the whole damn ship with me.
i hate who i have become. i hate that i am not who i want to be or who he wants me to be. i hate that i don't even think i'll EVER be the woman or mother i should be, or the partner he deserves. i feel like i've failed him, i've failed a, i've failed myself. i don't know that he will ever love me like he used to and that is what kills me the most. because i can't do this without him but i can't do it with him if i feel like he doesn't love me. i am so lost. and so scared. and all i want is for a to have a loving set of parents and for all of us to be happy. i would sacrifice just about anything for their happiness, but instead i feel like i'm just ruining it.
Friday, June 18, 2010
home.
yep. i still exist. (not that anyone was wondering, my little readerless sanctuary) my child is growing at rapid rates. life is blooming so quickly. when did time start moving at warp speed? in a week i will be packing up all worldly possessions, boggling my mind with furniture arrangements, watching blisters form on my hands from stretching tape over box after box, putting together a house for me and my family. it thrills me. but in some twisted irony, i'll shut the door to this carpet stained, compacted, cluttered mess with a tinge (just a tinge) of sadness. only for the memories.
i've always pinned memories to the walls in my homes. and there have been so many. this little hole gets a special place in my heart - if for no other reason than that it housed the love that grew so big it couldn't be contained in just two people any more. have i said before (in the sum of my whopping 3 entries.) that it blows my mind thinking about the creation of another human being? i can't believe she started here. she grew in here. in me. and then out. i saw her first smiling laying in the bedroom upstairs. it peeked out at me in the early morning while she still peacefully laid next to me, so tiny and perfect in every possible way. i watched her sprawl her little limbs across my floor, whining the whole way. i've proudly cheered her on in all of these milestones, inside these walls. i will never be back but i will always be here.
i've always pinned memories to the walls in my homes. and there have been so many. this little hole gets a special place in my heart - if for no other reason than that it housed the love that grew so big it couldn't be contained in just two people any more. have i said before (in the sum of my whopping 3 entries.) that it blows my mind thinking about the creation of another human being? i can't believe she started here. she grew in here. in me. and then out. i saw her first smiling laying in the bedroom upstairs. it peeked out at me in the early morning while she still peacefully laid next to me, so tiny and perfect in every possible way. i watched her sprawl her little limbs across my floor, whining the whole way. i've proudly cheered her on in all of these milestones, inside these walls. i will never be back but i will always be here.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
therapy
starting today in a new way. asking for help feels refreshing. i feel hopeful. this has been ten years in the making and im doing it all for you, miss a.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
Monday, March 15, 2010
6 months (and change)
this literally is the beginning, starting from a's 6 month and change "birthday" - because she turned 6 months about a week ago - but it is also about change. ahh, yes. double entendre!
her 6 month birth-verssary struck me pretty deeply. it finally occurred to me the enormous changes we have all been through. i genuinely wish i had been better at doing this since day one because seeing this transformation on paper would've truly resonated how far we have come.
i remember the day she was born and how i felt every emotion so deeply that i felt as though i was floating above the events that were unfolding... packing the car, taking the "last" couple photo, driving to KC and finally getting to say to C "we're going to have her!" instead of "this is the road we're going to take when we go to have her!", eating dinner, walking around spending anxious money in target because we couldn't show up 2 hours early for check in. i can't explain the feeling of entering a room with two hearts -- knowing you won't leave until you have a third. i'm already a mess thinking about it.
i feel like i still haven't lost touch with the way i felt emotion that day. it might be dulled but everything feels deeper and with more impact than ever before. i cry harder, smile wider, laugh deeper, yell louder. it is all to extremes- to both my detriment and benefit. the first month it felt euphoric. i hardly remember that first month because it feels so dreamy. the second felt surreal. the third month transitioned. the fourth felt so heavy, the fifth overwhelming. we've hit the sixth and i finally feel relatively level.
i went through a really rough patch in the heavy and overwhelming months. i still am struggling to build past the weight i carry from all that is pulling me down from that time. i don't even know how or why or what it was. i have no answers for anyone, especially myself. it just happened. it just felt like sometimes i loved so much it hurt and other times i hurt so much that reminders of that love is all that got me through. some days still feel like that.
A has changed, but i have too. in so many ways. it is no wonder women struggle so much at the beginning of motherhood. you think that losing yourself would be a long, arduous, trying process where you'd struggle to maintain the identity you spent a lifetime building... but it can slip through like a tiny grain of sand in the palm of your hands. in the blink of an eye. without you ever even knowing.
so i guess this has become more about my journey to find the sand ... or to accept that it is gone and begin again.
her 6 month birth-verssary struck me pretty deeply. it finally occurred to me the enormous changes we have all been through. i genuinely wish i had been better at doing this since day one because seeing this transformation on paper would've truly resonated how far we have come.
i remember the day she was born and how i felt every emotion so deeply that i felt as though i was floating above the events that were unfolding... packing the car, taking the "last" couple photo, driving to KC and finally getting to say to C "we're going to have her!" instead of "this is the road we're going to take when we go to have her!", eating dinner, walking around spending anxious money in target because we couldn't show up 2 hours early for check in. i can't explain the feeling of entering a room with two hearts -- knowing you won't leave until you have a third. i'm already a mess thinking about it.
i feel like i still haven't lost touch with the way i felt emotion that day. it might be dulled but everything feels deeper and with more impact than ever before. i cry harder, smile wider, laugh deeper, yell louder. it is all to extremes- to both my detriment and benefit. the first month it felt euphoric. i hardly remember that first month because it feels so dreamy. the second felt surreal. the third month transitioned. the fourth felt so heavy, the fifth overwhelming. we've hit the sixth and i finally feel relatively level.
i went through a really rough patch in the heavy and overwhelming months. i still am struggling to build past the weight i carry from all that is pulling me down from that time. i don't even know how or why or what it was. i have no answers for anyone, especially myself. it just happened. it just felt like sometimes i loved so much it hurt and other times i hurt so much that reminders of that love is all that got me through. some days still feel like that.
A has changed, but i have too. in so many ways. it is no wonder women struggle so much at the beginning of motherhood. you think that losing yourself would be a long, arduous, trying process where you'd struggle to maintain the identity you spent a lifetime building... but it can slip through like a tiny grain of sand in the palm of your hands. in the blink of an eye. without you ever even knowing.
so i guess this has become more about my journey to find the sand ... or to accept that it is gone and begin again.
Monday, March 1, 2010
the day you were born
written 9/25/09:
So I've finally decided to set aside some time to type out my birth story (thank GOD for NFL Sundays -- c is willing to do just about anything so long as the game is on!) I tend to be quite winded about this experience so bare with my length please.
Our scheduled induction was to begin Tuesday morning at 7am. My midwife decided to have me check in the night before and start a dose of Cervadil. So Monday we just about went nuts waiting for the time to leave for the hospital. Woke up early, waited forever, made unnecessary trips to the store, left the house too early, ate my "last dinner", shopped some more nervously and for the first time EVER SO totally was loving shopping the baby section. We were beside ourselves with excitement.
We finally made our way to the hospital and got checked in. They really didn't ease me into much of anything and placed the IV lock right away. I was terrified (haha!) of the IV and honestly, it HURT. Then they put in the cervadil and thus began my crampiness that never amounted to anything. I had a rough time sleeping in the uncomfortable bed and with frequent checks from the nurses, even with my Ambien.
c & I woke up the next morning at 6am and I got to take a shower before starting on pitocin. They checked me at this point and the Cervadil had done nothing to help me dilate but had succeeded in effacing me a bit more and softening everything up. At 7:00am our new nurse arrived and it was a really good family friend of my c's. She was SO sweet and I am so glad we had a familiar face to help us through the process. They hooked up my pitocin and almost immediately I began to feel contractions. I was SO happy but it didn't last for long. At 9am my midwife came in and out of nowhere announced she was going to break my water. At this point I had progressed to a 2 or 3 (I think) in two hours!
After she broke my water my contractions started coming on top of each other. I was miserable. I thought to myself that the first few cm were supposed to be the easiest but it did NOT feel easy. c was so wonderful and attentive the entire time, thats the one thing that sticks out most about this time in my head. I was in a crazy amount of pain but it was bearable because he was so supportive.
An hour after they broke my water I was desperate for relief. I kept telling c "I just want to take a shower!" but obviously anything involving water wasn't an option now that I was on the pit. At this point we decided to ask for the epidural (which i'm GLAD i did which you will realize in a sec)
The anaestesiologist came in to administer the epidural and I lost it. I had really done a great job of maintaining composure until then but now I was sobbing uncontrollably. c just held me while she administered it and whispered in my ear all the wonderful things about our LO and how everythingw ould be worth it. I started to feel a stabbing pain in my stomach and tingling in my right foot. Something didn't feel right. She finished and it didn't take me long to realize that it wasn't working the way it was supposed to. All the sudden I had a lot of back pain and I was feeling all my contractions but couldn't feel or move my right leg. Eventually, after lots of "fighting through it to see if/when it'd kick in" the nurses summoned a different anaestesiologist and they completely replaced my epidural. Immediately I felt a difference and it was that "I wouldve kissed the guy if I could" moment.
After that it seemed like smooth sailing except that my progression has signficantly stalled. I was stuck at a 5 for a few hours and then again at 7 for several more. Time was going by SO slowly but the epidural worked so well that I was TOTALLY content. c and I joked around all day, I was sitting up in bed, and constantly being told "you don't SEEM like you're in labor."
After being stalled at 6-7 for several hours, my MW started warning me that we might be looking at a c-section. I'm so glad that I prepared myself mentally ahead of time because if I hadn't I think my outlook would've been much worse (though my preparation didn't help AT ALL for calming fears) She told me she'd give me "a little more time" and this was around 6:00PM. At 8:00 she came in and checked me. She didn't even tell me if we'd progressed at all or not but instead just said "Well, I think we're going to try to push. Are you ready?" I think I must've looked as wide eyed then as I did when I first found out I was pregnant. I had been feeling exhausted but as soon as she said that I got a huge rush of adrenaline and was READY!
The next contraction we pushed and pushed. MW & our nurse both said I was doing an amazing job but that we were only at a 9 and the entire last lip of my cervix wasn't dilating fully around LO's head so when I was pushing, my MW was attempting the help my cervix stretch. We pushed through several more contractions and then Kathy (MW) finally said she wouldn't try anymore because she didn't want to tear my cervix or cause it to swell from irritation and that she was going to call the OB and discuss the c-section.
They brought in all our "birthday party" gear and prepped me for surgery. The first anaestesiologist (the one who did it wrong) came in and put the c-section epidural into my IV. I think this caused some sort of fear in me because I knew she had done my other one wrong before but honestly she was just changing out a bag so I shouldn't have been scared. After getting that I instantly started violently shaking. I had been shaky from the epidural ALL day but this was much worse than before. I cried and was terrified. c was (as he was every step of the way) absolutely wonderful and encouraging through it all. His support through all of this made me love him more than I ever thought I could. They wheeled me back and I cried like a baby. They set everything up and tested my anaestesia. Then they started and pushed and pushed and pushed. It was a REALLY odd sensation and I could see how hard they were pushing because I was watching them practically bounce up and down above the covering. c watched and kept me updated on what was happening. Finally after A LOT of pushing he told me she was out. And immediately they told him he could follow them to the table. I was shocked that they wouldn't show her to me and cried when he left me and I didn't get to see her.
It felt like years before I heard her cry but when I did it was amazing. I know they say theres nothing like it and theres a reason you hear that so often. It really is a moment I won't ever forget. For what seemed like hours they worked on her. I could hear her cry from time to time and c crying and telling me she was beautiful.
After what felt like a lifetime he finally brought her over to me. I could hardly move so I just stroked her face with my finger and tried to give her a kiss though I couldn't get my head off the table. It seemed like he stood there with her for 5 seconds before they told him to take her back to the room. They wheeled me back. I was surprised to see family in our room already since c & I had already discussed wanting our personal time. but apparently the staff had let people into our room before we were even there??? I was livid, to be honest. But I was so exhausted and in shock that I all I cared about was seeing my baby and if that meant having others in the room- fine.
The unfortunate thing is it was only one family of the three that were there to see us. At that point I felt pressured to let everyone in because I felt it wasn't fair to let one of c's family into the room to see LO when the other two families waiting in the room as they were told. So I told c to let everyone in (about 20 people) It makes me cry when I look at the pictures family took of me post-op because my eyes are barely open and I'm just trying desperately to hold my child. Eventually the 2 families that stayed in the waiting room realized quickly that it probably was in my best interest that they gave me some time to recoup and to feed LO (she was rooting like crazy and I was extremely anxious) and everyone got out.
From there it was fairly smooth sailing. She was beautiful and more than I ever could've dreamed. Recovery was rough and but I did get up and out of bed by day 2 and was walking around fine by day 3. Feeding was a rough go since I didn't have very good support from hospital staff because L&D was so packed that week (75 babies or something nuts like that) but after getting home and settling in- I finally got to heal and now we're doing great!
So I've finally decided to set aside some time to type out my birth story (thank GOD for NFL Sundays -- c is willing to do just about anything so long as the game is on!) I tend to be quite winded about this experience so bare with my length please.
Our scheduled induction was to begin Tuesday morning at 7am. My midwife decided to have me check in the night before and start a dose of Cervadil. So Monday we just about went nuts waiting for the time to leave for the hospital. Woke up early, waited forever, made unnecessary trips to the store, left the house too early, ate my "last dinner", shopped some more nervously and for the first time EVER SO totally was loving shopping the baby section. We were beside ourselves with excitement.
We finally made our way to the hospital and got checked in. They really didn't ease me into much of anything and placed the IV lock right away. I was terrified (haha!) of the IV and honestly, it HURT. Then they put in the cervadil and thus began my crampiness that never amounted to anything. I had a rough time sleeping in the uncomfortable bed and with frequent checks from the nurses, even with my Ambien.
c & I woke up the next morning at 6am and I got to take a shower before starting on pitocin. They checked me at this point and the Cervadil had done nothing to help me dilate but had succeeded in effacing me a bit more and softening everything up. At 7:00am our new nurse arrived and it was a really good family friend of my c's. She was SO sweet and I am so glad we had a familiar face to help us through the process. They hooked up my pitocin and almost immediately I began to feel contractions. I was SO happy but it didn't last for long. At 9am my midwife came in and out of nowhere announced she was going to break my water. At this point I had progressed to a 2 or 3 (I think) in two hours!
After she broke my water my contractions started coming on top of each other. I was miserable. I thought to myself that the first few cm were supposed to be the easiest but it did NOT feel easy. c was so wonderful and attentive the entire time, thats the one thing that sticks out most about this time in my head. I was in a crazy amount of pain but it was bearable because he was so supportive.
An hour after they broke my water I was desperate for relief. I kept telling c "I just want to take a shower!" but obviously anything involving water wasn't an option now that I was on the pit. At this point we decided to ask for the epidural (which i'm GLAD i did which you will realize in a sec)
The anaestesiologist came in to administer the epidural and I lost it. I had really done a great job of maintaining composure until then but now I was sobbing uncontrollably. c just held me while she administered it and whispered in my ear all the wonderful things about our LO and how everythingw ould be worth it. I started to feel a stabbing pain in my stomach and tingling in my right foot. Something didn't feel right. She finished and it didn't take me long to realize that it wasn't working the way it was supposed to. All the sudden I had a lot of back pain and I was feeling all my contractions but couldn't feel or move my right leg. Eventually, after lots of "fighting through it to see if/when it'd kick in" the nurses summoned a different anaestesiologist and they completely replaced my epidural. Immediately I felt a difference and it was that "I wouldve kissed the guy if I could" moment.
After that it seemed like smooth sailing except that my progression has signficantly stalled. I was stuck at a 5 for a few hours and then again at 7 for several more. Time was going by SO slowly but the epidural worked so well that I was TOTALLY content. c and I joked around all day, I was sitting up in bed, and constantly being told "you don't SEEM like you're in labor."
After being stalled at 6-7 for several hours, my MW started warning me that we might be looking at a c-section. I'm so glad that I prepared myself mentally ahead of time because if I hadn't I think my outlook would've been much worse (though my preparation didn't help AT ALL for calming fears) She told me she'd give me "a little more time" and this was around 6:00PM. At 8:00 she came in and checked me. She didn't even tell me if we'd progressed at all or not but instead just said "Well, I think we're going to try to push. Are you ready?" I think I must've looked as wide eyed then as I did when I first found out I was pregnant. I had been feeling exhausted but as soon as she said that I got a huge rush of adrenaline and was READY!
The next contraction we pushed and pushed. MW & our nurse both said I was doing an amazing job but that we were only at a 9 and the entire last lip of my cervix wasn't dilating fully around LO's head so when I was pushing, my MW was attempting the help my cervix stretch. We pushed through several more contractions and then Kathy (MW) finally said she wouldn't try anymore because she didn't want to tear my cervix or cause it to swell from irritation and that she was going to call the OB and discuss the c-section.
They brought in all our "birthday party" gear and prepped me for surgery. The first anaestesiologist (the one who did it wrong) came in and put the c-section epidural into my IV. I think this caused some sort of fear in me because I knew she had done my other one wrong before but honestly she was just changing out a bag so I shouldn't have been scared. After getting that I instantly started violently shaking. I had been shaky from the epidural ALL day but this was much worse than before. I cried and was terrified. c was (as he was every step of the way) absolutely wonderful and encouraging through it all. His support through all of this made me love him more than I ever thought I could. They wheeled me back and I cried like a baby. They set everything up and tested my anaestesia. Then they started and pushed and pushed and pushed. It was a REALLY odd sensation and I could see how hard they were pushing because I was watching them practically bounce up and down above the covering. c watched and kept me updated on what was happening. Finally after A LOT of pushing he told me she was out. And immediately they told him he could follow them to the table. I was shocked that they wouldn't show her to me and cried when he left me and I didn't get to see her.
It felt like years before I heard her cry but when I did it was amazing. I know they say theres nothing like it and theres a reason you hear that so often. It really is a moment I won't ever forget. For what seemed like hours they worked on her. I could hear her cry from time to time and c crying and telling me she was beautiful.
After what felt like a lifetime he finally brought her over to me. I could hardly move so I just stroked her face with my finger and tried to give her a kiss though I couldn't get my head off the table. It seemed like he stood there with her for 5 seconds before they told him to take her back to the room. They wheeled me back. I was surprised to see family in our room already since c & I had already discussed wanting our personal time. but apparently the staff had let people into our room before we were even there??? I was livid, to be honest. But I was so exhausted and in shock that I all I cared about was seeing my baby and if that meant having others in the room- fine.
The unfortunate thing is it was only one family of the three that were there to see us. At that point I felt pressured to let everyone in because I felt it wasn't fair to let one of c's family into the room to see LO when the other two families waiting in the room as they were told. So I told c to let everyone in (about 20 people) It makes me cry when I look at the pictures family took of me post-op because my eyes are barely open and I'm just trying desperately to hold my child. Eventually the 2 families that stayed in the waiting room realized quickly that it probably was in my best interest that they gave me some time to recoup and to feed LO (she was rooting like crazy and I was extremely anxious) and everyone got out.
From there it was fairly smooth sailing. She was beautiful and more than I ever could've dreamed. Recovery was rough and but I did get up and out of bed by day 2 and was walking around fine by day 3. Feeding was a rough go since I didn't have very good support from hospital staff because L&D was so packed that week (75 babies or something nuts like that) but after getting home and settling in- I finally got to heal and now we're doing great!